Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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