I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You can't motorboat a personality
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.