its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
