i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...