I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated