Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.