And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
its not stalking. its research.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Christians are straight up FREAKS
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.