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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
"it" just moved
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I will die if light touches me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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