We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
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Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
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Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.