i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize