it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".