Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.