Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its about making memories worth repressing
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
