DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits