I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
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This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.