I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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