If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Even my vagina gasped.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.