he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I told you penises don't tan
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap