Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
