I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
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She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money