Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
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thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.