It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE