Texts From Last Night

chalaureeeeen's Favorites Texts:

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86076) Bad night (8379)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86453) Bad night (7100)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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  (402): Get your penis over here NOW. emergency http://tfl.nu/eywx
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  (360): View more from Washington

  So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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  (360): So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five. http://tfl.nu/vwra
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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  (+44): Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis". http://tfl.nu/tct7
  Replies (7) Good night (1528) Bad night (371)
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  (209): View more from California

  Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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  (209): Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing http://tfl.nu/4pbh
  Replies (10) Good night (1272) Bad night (638)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal

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  (713): My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal http://tfl.nu/z8hr
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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  (808): And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up. http://tfl.nu/dab6
  Replies (9) Good night (3318) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  well you can't waste a boner

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  (330): well you can't waste a boner http://tfl.nu/ixi5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.

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  (917): Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets. http://tfl.nu/ksjf
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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  (570): You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash. http://tfl.nu/b0ts
  Replies (19) Good night (1983) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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  (518): our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here. http://tfl.nu/908w
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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  (406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift http://tfl.nu/uiqc
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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  (818): I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy http://tfl.nu/zo8r
  Replies (5) Good night (699) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.

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  (303): Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures. http://tfl.nu/miux
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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  (256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light. http://tfl.nu/687c
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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  (602): I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!? http://tfl.nu/p185
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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  (989): i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole. http://tfl.nu/0fwa
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs

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  (403): Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs http://tfl.nu/f0zi
  Replies (3) Good night (2311) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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  (780): So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned". http://tfl.nu/rmju
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (6427) Bad night (1175)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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  (413): I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened. http://tfl.nu/qzdq
  Replies (10) Good night (2480) Bad night (882)
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (786): View more from Florida

  hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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  (786): hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth! http://tfl.nu/9piv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  never. drinking. again.

  (1-705): View more from Ontario

  lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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  (705): never. drinking. again. (1-705): lets not get ahead of ourselves. http://tfl.nu/le2c
  Replies (36) Good night (5076) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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  (443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes http://tfl.nu/p6zo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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  (412): You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay http://tfl.nu/y710
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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  (308): You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants. http://tfl.nu/tdj1
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  (818): View more from California

  Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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  (818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right. http://tfl.nu/8nul
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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  (905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should. http://tfl.nu/b27t
  Replies (45) Good night (8831) Bad night (2456)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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  (734): Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window. http://tfl.nu/6pvh
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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  (+44): Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate. http://tfl.nu/oa41
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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  (978): sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky http://tfl.nu/aofd
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I feel like death. Did you die last night?

  (305): View more from Florida

  Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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  (859): I feel like death. Did you die last night? (305): Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta! (859): unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus http://tfl.nu/lgid
  Replies (8) Good night (1973) Bad night (460)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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  (856): He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs? http://tfl.nu/ic15
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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  (708): I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome http://tfl.nu/0ypv
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

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  (804): You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world. http://tfl.nu/i0as
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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  (902): FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/vuiq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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  (917): was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him? http://tfl.nu/um4o
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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  (360): I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true. http://tfl.nu/2syb
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