Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.