Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.