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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I intend to get homeless drunk
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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