sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she peed on how many people?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame