sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy