sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy