Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.