its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
Well my cheeks are red now
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!