I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?