I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter