He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.