Texts From Last Night

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  (518): View more from New York

  In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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  (518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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  (941): She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina??? http://tfl.nu/hnyt
  Replies (24) Good night (938) Bad night (7613) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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  (303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan
  Replies (11) Good night (1164) Bad night (6156)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?

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  (203): Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton? http://tfl.nu/kum0
  Replies (22) Good night (1042) Bad night (4174) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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  (937): Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon! http://tfl.nu/1aph
  Replies (92) Good night (13090) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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  (225): He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day http://tfl.nu/y67c
  Replies (42) Good night (3545) Bad night (6368) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now

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  (928): i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now http://tfl.nu/zt2g
  Replies (19) Good night (363) Bad night (5315) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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  (618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
  Replies (45) Good night (1871) Bad night (17176)
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  (607): View more from New York

  Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

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  (607): Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock. http://tfl.nu/yv63
  Replies (120) Good night (6458) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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  (207): She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird. http://tfl.nu/49lo
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill

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  (206): I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill http://tfl.nu/rtkb
  Replies (23) Good night (5311) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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  (508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick http://tfl.nu/wbrv
  Replies (38) Good night (5075) Bad night (1595) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face

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  (479): yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face http://tfl.nu/63az
  Replies (23) Good night (3294) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.

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  (609): She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good. http://tfl.nu/1igy
  Replies (113) Good night (1556) Bad night (10621) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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  (605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz
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  (914): View more from New York

  how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes

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  (914): how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes http://tfl.nu/ebav
  Replies (38) Good night (5374) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136702) Bad night (8407) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not

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  (678): i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not http://tfl.nu/pxco
  Replies (11) Good night (2655) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?

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  (210): eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life? http://tfl.nu/6stl
  Replies (51) Good night (4259) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.

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  (205): we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper. http://tfl.nu/zgtp
  Replies (106) Good night (3938) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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  (585): This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat? http://tfl.nu/3sn0
  Replies (93) Good night (873) Bad night (3074) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

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  (919): I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here. http://tfl.nu/lixe
  Replies (35) Good night (1291) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water

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  (914): so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water http://tfl.nu/wymr
  Replies (3) Good night (343) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light

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  (704): Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light http://tfl.nu/mxes
  Replies (8) Good night (1453) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

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  (315): my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple http://tfl.nu/6ez5
  Replies (8) Good night (525) Bad night (1456) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.

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  (604): My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry. http://tfl.nu/6crc
  Replies (8) Good night (255) Bad night (1378) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82808) Bad night (7565)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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  (801): I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion. http://tfl.nu/ntse
  Replies (28) Good night (10486) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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  (847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406
  Replies (26) Good night (8855) Bad night (524)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

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  (313): marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte! http://tfl.nu/25lr
  Replies (1) Good night (2893) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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  (352): Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself. http://tfl.nu/hxa2
  Replies (5) Good night (1832) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
  Replies (20) Good night (3968) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!

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  (832): Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7qkz
  Replies (21) Good night (435) Bad night (2187) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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  (503): I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink. http://tfl.nu/0fnk
  Replies (114) Good night (3547) Bad night (428)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.

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  (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls. http://tfl.nu/rm2y
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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  (425): Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually. http://tfl.nu/jboq
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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  (574): Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter. http://tfl.nu/0enu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
  Replies (254) Good night (3814) Bad night (77567) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming

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  (703): my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming http://tfl.nu/nmyq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

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  (501): so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm... http://tfl.nu/bp9a
  Replies (39) Good night (5173) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt