You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Alive.
So much puke
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
