I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She even gives head with a lisp.