Don't make out with my wife yet
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
