Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...