My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore