He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He felt like a one man threesome
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'