Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.