Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
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Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart