I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
