I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pappa wants mamma naked
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.