there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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