A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.