ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."