It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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