the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.