well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.